2012 // Self Exploration Devoid of Self Reliance

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    Here we are again at the point of reflection.
    There’s a single month that holds a whole year – those fateful string of numbers that we define our lives by. Somehow, we let all our thoughts and dreams and actions to be categorized by numbers. 2012. 17.
    Despite my past history with math, numbers fascinate me. Dates hold significance that go so far beyond a few strokes of a pen. Inside of the numeral, there’s a world of depth and meaning. 365 days hold such richness. All the little things that make up our daily living and the big moments that make us stop and reevaluate are held together by a number. Is it adequate? No. Yet numbers are what we have. It’s what us human can wrap our minds around, so we take it and hold onto it tightly.
    So here I sit, procrastinating on final projects and choosing instead to just let my soul think back on this year. It seems that every year has a few key things that define it and certainly have a few key traits that run rampant through it providing a distinct theme.
    What is this years theme?
    Self exploration devoid of self reliance.
    This year, I discovered so much about who I am, what makes me come alive, and who I want to be. I found myself caught up in this love affair with business, realizing that this is exciting. Thrilling. Invigorating. What started out as awkwardly realizing that economics was fun blossomed into thinking how this’ll effect my life. I dove deep into my work as a photographer and was given the opportunity to intern in social media. My weekends may be spent consuming insane amounts of caffeine while traveling to weddings, writing up marketing plans, and staring at Lightroom until my eyes cry out for mercy – yet it’s been an adventure.
    This year, I also saw four years of passion become something tangible and achievable. One simple google search that I had done dozens of times resulted in becoming a part of a community. This fall as I’ve been able to become a part of the anti human trafficking movement in my own area, I’ve been realizing that working with this issue, with these women, is what I have been created to do. It’s an amazing sense of purpose – even if I feel like a clueless little punk who is absolutely insane for wanting to have any part in something so monstrous and mammoth. While I am extremely unsure of how this will play out in the future, this is my heart passion. Beyond interest or talent as my business or photography may be – it’s a calling.
    Beyond figuring out big things like this, I also have been figuring out who I am deep in my soul and who I am striving to be. Further up and further in has been a way of life and a way of examining my own heart. Honesty has become a powerful factor. Sincerity and boldness are skills that I’m learning and finding peace in. While sometimes speaking your mind or your heart may be terrifying and painful, it can be healthy and produces growth. Growth of character and growth of relationships are products of loving honesty.
    Relationships – another area not only have I grown in, but God has blessed me in beyond imagination. He’s brought people into my life that I never would have imagined would be essential. Many of them have been hiding in the crevices and in God’s own time, came out into the light to play their crucial part. Some, I am still not sure of their roles, but God is and they’re a part of this journey for a reason. This independent spit-fire is discovering that she needs a tribe of nearest and dearest.
    This independent spit-fire is also realizing that she needs a lot and that she can’t do this all on her own. If I am not relying completely and totally on Christ, all I do in my own strength is rubbish. He is my only hope for “mattering” in this short life. He has taught me so much about the process of trusting Him and His plans. They are outside of my comprehension and my comfort zone, but every time that He tells me to let go and simply trust Him, I find that He knows what He’s doing. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.
    Maybe that could be the slogan of this year – “scary but worth it.” The only problem with that slogan, is that it’ll probably be my mantra next year and maybe the year after and maybe for dozens of years after that. I’m finding that most of what’s worth doing is quite frightening. It’s in pushing past that fear that we discover gold.
    So here’s to all the scary things that lie ahead of me! As I face them, I know that I’m serving a God of perfect love and perfect plans. That knowledge is what casts out fear and replaces it with peace.
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